Are you sick of all the conventional ways to keep out the heat? Want to be the most funky fresh person out there with a well-regulated temperature? Then read on!

1. Steal your neighbour’s refrigerator

You know the Joneses always leave their laundry window open, so next time they head off to church, slip on through and bag yourself a machine literally built to keep things cold. Throw out their daughter’s birthday cake and jump inside for a cool cubby experience. Happy birthday to you!

2. Become unimpressive to conserve energy

Being motivated and successful is tiring, which makes you far hotter than if you were to lie in your bed doing nothing all day in the dark. Set the bar lower – for your own comfort.

3. Leave your taps running all day

Water is cold, obviously. And taps are like Netflix for water – stream it any time, any place (as long as that place is a sink or shower). Why would you use your air conditioner and pay crazy electricity bills like a sucker when you could just bask in the cooling power of your city’s drinking supply?

4. Cover yourself in leeches

Leeches suck your blood out, which makes you cold. And they’re 100% organic and natural!

5. Exclusively wear clothing made from fine silk

Fashion.

6. Relocate above the arctic circle

They don’t even have Summer; only Elk.

7. Buy an inflatable pool, lease it to your neighbours, and use the money to buy ice (the street drug)

I haven’t tried it, but I’ve heard it’s cold as fuuuuuuuck.

(Images: clement127, Rob Jamieson, Michael Jeffries, Josh Mazgelis, Grand Canyon National Park, Euginia Loli)