Bro, he like totally nailed her!

Local year 8 student Tommy Hampton claims to have banged his friend Jake Neil’s mum. Tommy allegedly engaged in consensual intercourse with Jake’s mum in the early hours of Sunday morning, while Jake was fast asleep in the next room.

“She’s a total MILF! I just had to get in her pants,” Tommy explained to his friend with a wide grin. “Now I’m going to be your new dad!”

Jake refuses to believe the claim, citing a distinct lack of evidence.

“Fuck off, Tommy.”

Jake’s mum was unavailable for comment, possibly because she was smoking a cigarette in bed and feeling satisfied.

In a separate issue, Jake alleges that Tommy is “gay,” however this contradicts his supposed involvement in the mother-banging situation. The investigation is still in progress.