They are nothing more than tiny, flavourless black dots that get EVERYWHERE, and they can all get fucked.

Bakers – what the fuck is your obsession with poppy seeds? They are literally the worst type of seeds.

First of all, they look dumb. My bread roll is perfectly fine without weird black pimples, thank you very much.

Secondly, they taste like nothing. NOTHING. Don’t try to fool me into thinking they’re a delicacy, you shifty bread salesman.

Most frustrating of all though is the fact that poppy seeds fall off at the tiniest, slightest touch. They don’t even try to put up a fight. A light breeze blows 5 miles away and woops! There go all of my poppies!

I think I speak for everyone when I say this is embarrassing, cowardly behaviour. There is no room in my life for bitch-ass seeds.

The worst thing about this is that when they fall off they don’t do so in an orderly fashion. Oh no, they bounce around everywhere like a kangaroo on crack. I ate my last poppy seed bread roll 5 years ago, and I guarantee there will be remnants in my living room carpet long after I die.

So bakers, I implore you – just stop it. Leave poppy seeds to the opium industry, where they belong.

Sesame seeds can fuck off too.