Unilever brand Dove®, known for their skin, hair and beauty products, have today filed a lawsuit against the 310 known species of bird that fall under the Columbidae family. A spokesperson for the company stated that “[they] have worked hard over the years to establish a positive public image for the brand, but despite [their] efforts find it is constantly being brought into disrepute by the unacceptable antics of the namesake animal.”
The Columbidae family, more commonly known as the dove or pidgeon, is one of the most prominent clades of bird in the modern world, with its success most likely attributed to its ability to swallow its pride and eat discarded crisps directly off the dirty ground. Biologists estimate that a whopping 90% of doves lack the ability to feel shame, or indeed any emotion that does not directly align with some kind of disgusting habit.
“I am constantly shocked by the depths to which these birds will stoop,” admitted Sandra Anderson, a Public Relations officer for Dove®. “Just yesterday I saw one defecating on the ground when the public restroom was just three feet away. He knew it was there too, I watched him look at it.”
It is this sort of behaviour which allegedly taints the motif of purity traditionally associated with the dove, and Unilever believes it is an intentional move. According to Anderson, it is their belief that Columbidae are driven by envy for the company’s increasing profits, and are selfishly acting out in an attempt to ruin the reputation of an innocent corporation. When asked for comment, a representative of the bird family could neither confirm nor deny these claims, as it did not speak English.
The defense for Columbidae is expected to plead insanity, as experts agree it is the only explanation for why they consistently run away from cars instead of flying.