We bring you the hottest tips for avoiding Harry and Meghan’s special day.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Royal wedding is coming up quickly, and we’re here to help you plan your escape route. The two will marry at Windsor Castle this Saturday, but since you don’t care at all, here’s a play-by-play breakdown of how to get as far away from the proceedings as humanly possible.

From 6:00pm AEST (9:00am local time) on Saturday

The 1,200 members of the public who were invited to attend will start arriving at Windsor Castle. Try turning off all nearby TVs and radios, and instead entertain yourself with some wholesome yodelling.

From 6:30pm-8:00pm AEST (9:30am-11am local time)

This is when the non-plebs are scheduled to arrive. Who cares, right? Keep away from any updates by stuffing your head under a pillow and screaming quite loudly.

8:20pm AEST (11:20am local time)

The extended Royal family will begin to arrive. Strap on some noise-cancelling earmuffs and ride your bicycle deep into the woods.

8:45pm AEST (11:45am local time)

Plan to be completely submerged in a freshwater lake at around this time, because the main man Prince Harry and his sidekick Prince William are due to arrive. Saltwater is acceptable if you’re in a hurry, but it’s not as good since you can’t drink it if you get thirsty.

8:55pm AEST (11:55am local time)

OMG the Queen will be turning up! If you have any friends with a titanium bomb shelter, kill them and steal it. They might be avid Royal followers, you can never be too careful.

8:59pm AEST (11:59am local time)

While the fashionably almost-late Ms Markle pulls up (skrt skrt), melt off your fingerprints with a bunsen burner and leave civilisation forever to live in a remote cave. If bears can do it, why can’t you?

9:00pm AEST (midday local time)

THE CEREMONY STARTS! Aim to be floating in the South Pacific Ocean at co-ordinates -47.180929, 177.735877, as this is precisely the opposite side of the world from those stuffy nincompoops.

We recommend staying there for a few weeks until media coverage dies down. Probably bring some snacks.