The Queen of England has declared she will be holding Tony Abbott as ransom until Australia promises it will remain loyal to the monarchy.

In an unprecedented display of political misconduct and downright athleticism, her Majesty snatched Australia’s previous Prime Minister and long-time Member for Warringah from his family home in Forestville late last night. Police arrived on the scene at 3:30am to find a shattered bedroom window and a telltale piece of vandalism that read “Queenie waz ere”.

Officer Henry Kennedy was the first policeman on the scene, and described the event as “callous, albeit impressive”. “It’s obviously been a great shock to the family, and we’re currently doing everything we can to console them,” said Kennedy in a public statement earlier this morning. “Still, you have to admit it’s quite a sprightly feat for a woman her age.”

The Queen has officially claimed responsibility for the attack via a Youtube video, in which she is shown to be wearing a black hooded jumper and rapping about being a “bad bitch”, while periodically hitting a restrained Tony Abbott with the crown jewels. The motive of the kidnapping was revealed through the chorus of her song, in which she samples a line from Lorde’s hit debut single. “You’ll never be royals,” she declares, before explaining that she will be holding Mr Abbott until she receives a written promise that Australia will cease its attempts to form a republic.

A spokesperson for the Australian Republican Movement has responded to the threat with defiance, calling the attack “a cowardly display of primitive brutality.” “Queen Elizabeth is well aware of the importance of Tony Abbott to Australia, and she has taken advantage of our trust. Without Mr Abbott, our economy will struggle, particularly in the Comedy sector where approximately 95% of political jokes will become irrelevant.” The Movement has demanded the Queen of England return Tony Abbott by close of business this Friday, or else they will be forced to respond with violence and/or compliance.

The public has been advised by the Movement that they can show their support by giving the Queen’s Youtube video a thumbs down, by calling her gay in the comments section, or by sending a basket of onions to Mr Abbott’s door as a symbol of solidarity.

(Image: Idiva)