A recent study conducted by the University of Technology, Sydney has revealed that the suit-wearing man you see around town is in fact earning over twice your current salary. The data indicates that the suit not only provides him the ability to pull in higher figures each year, but also makes him a much better person than you.
“We were initially testing for a link between wearing ties and contracting genital herpes,” says John Wilson, the PhD student behind the study. “But after a series of interviews we started to notice an entirely different pattern.”
Despite the STIs suffered by most suit-wearing men, they were consistently found to outperform you in the areas of salary, job satisfaction and athletics. In fact, Wilson is of the opinion that the herpes are “probably just a side-effect of being way more sexually active than your sorry ass.”
Wilson goes on to describe the reader as a “pussy” incapable of succeeding in any of life’s fundamental challenges, while suit-wearing men continue to lead “fulfilling and just generally awesome lives.”
The study will be presented at next week’s International Conference for Scientific Science, which will mark the event’s 25th anniversary. It is expected that the rich history of the conference will be relived, from the very first presentation on ‘The Effects of Penile Girth on Happiness’, all the way up to last year’s controversial analysis – ‘Why Your Husband is Such an Asshole’.